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[Living a life that was never really mine--
--don't kill my smile.]

Missing someone sucks really bad. It's so weird, too-- I've no real reason to miss him, except that I do. I just like him. A lot. I think about him all the fucking time. I want to know him more. He makes me smile. The sound of his voice is just so lovely. I love talking to him, I wish I could every day. I just wish he knew how wonderful I think he is. Or, I wish I could tell him that without it being so, so fucking weird. Just come out and say "Hey. I think you're fucking fantastically awesome." Ugh. I creep myself out sometimes. Best to leave it as it is, I suppose. Just locked up safe in my brain. It's bad enough how nervous and fluttery I get when we talk in the first place, no need for complications... I just, wow, my brain turns to mush when I think about him.

Feeling: tired
Music: watching "Big Fish"

Cool Crisp Air

I fucking hate her. So fucking much. At this point I can't even stand the sight of her. Makes me sick.


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I'm suffocating.


Cool Crisp Air

I'm feeling pretty good today, more optimistic than the past few days. I'm really tired though, which sucks because I was planning on getting some stuff done today. I need to wash my kitchen floor, and the cabinets. Put the laundry away. Make fajitas for dinner (yuuuuum!). Help Ian pick out some games for his Leap Pad 2. Help Tamalicious with her homework. Catch a few episodes of Degrassi. Quick-clean the bathroom. Do a craft with Ian (we're going to make some calm bottles, one for my house and one for grandpas.) hopefully I will be able to push through this exhaustion and catch my second wind!

Tammy is like my fucking rock right now. I am so grateful for her friendship and I have NO idea what I would do without her! I love her so much. She is my best fucking friend and even though we don't always have the same views and sometimes there is miscommunication between us, she understands me. There is only one other person who understands me like she does, but I am not talking about him, dammit. I'd really like to move in with Tammy and we've been discussing it-- I'm just really fucking scared that I would be there for a short time and then her boyfriend Andy will tell her it's time for her to join him on base (he is Air Force). If that happened before I got on my feet and secure I would be stuck in an unfamiliar state by myself with a young child and absolutely no support. That is so frightening. I just wish for once that everything would work out. I need to get away from here, and I need to be with people who support me mentally and emotionally instead of people who doubt me and/or break me down. I'm trapped in this life and I hate it-- I need to break free.

Wow, that got melancholy pretty quickly. Ummm, positive, let's see... Ahhh, I don't even know. It's not that I'm negative right now or anything, I just can't think of anything up beat to talk about-- so I suppose I'll end it here, no use forcing it.

Feeling: motivated
Music: The Cranberries - Zombie

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  This dream was a little strange this time around. They've been getting stranger and stranger all week long. I'm not entirely sure how the dream started out because I don't recall falling asleep and normally I remember exactly what was happening or what I was thinking just before I fall asleep. So anyway, the first part that I recall is my driveway lines being repainted. They were too close, no way for even a car to fit in never mind my minivan. They were bicycle or motorcycle sized. The spot with my unit number (9) on it didn't even exist, they left it out-- only went up to eight for some reason, and the mailbox for the front building had been moved to just in front of where I usually park my van. There was a bunch of trashed furniture lined up on the grass to the side of the parking lot, on the right of where I usually park. There was an old blue couch, and a TV stand with a wrecked TV on top of it. I don't remember any of the other details about the trash.

  So, I go upstairs after sort of vocalizing out loud to no one about the state of the spaces, and my sister is upstairs with her boyfriend. I take a seat in my usual spot (Ian didn't make an appearance in my dream, but I know he was there in his room playing) and Caitlin and her boyfriend were sitting at the end of the bed. Then Caitlin's Ex just walks into my condo and sits down next to me and we're all hanging out like we don't all absolutely hate each other which is just weird in itself because we do. I was calling Max (my cat) over to pet him, and he came. Well, I thought it was him. I was petting a black cat that looked identical to him, but I realized it wasn't when the real Max jumped on my bed to come investigate. When I looked back down to compare the cats, the first cat looked a million times worse than when he started. His fur was falling out and he was crawling with fleas. Every time I looked away and back he looked much worse. Eventually he had bleeding open wounds and pus coming out of his eyes. He went from a healthy Max lookalike to a dying scrap in minutes. It was really scary. I wanted to put him outside after it had really clicked in my head that this was NOT Max. Then out of nowhere there was another person in my room, a made up person who was one of my friends. The cat knew that I was going to put him outside, so he was struggling hard. I asked my friend to help capture him and grab the cat treats so we could sort of bribe him into being calm in order to take him downstairs and out of the building.

  On the way into the kitchen to leave my condo I saw and heard my front doorknob being fiddled with so I go to the door and I look through the keyhole. On the other side is my downstairs neighbour with a set of keys, she was trying to enter my house. She was with two little kids. She saw me spot her though my keyhole (somehow, ha) and gave me this look that was full of hatred. I was very upset that she was trying to break into my house so I was going to throw the door open and basically beat the shit out of her but then in real life, as I was sleeping, I could have swore I heard footsteps in my bedroom with me, so I was dragged out of the dream just as I was putting my hand on the doorknob.

  No one is here, or awake, so I'm not sure what I heard, but damn. Fucked up dream.

Location: United States, Massachusetts, North Attleboro
Feeling: Freaked.
Music: Watching Degrassi in the background.

Cool Crisp Air

I am going to end up being committed to a mental hospital by the end of the year, I can just tell. The suicide thoughts keep getting worse and worse every time they cycle and I always feel like I'm that much less scared to do it every time they come. I know eventually I'll break down, go to my doctor, and ask her not to let me leave. I need to prepare now for when that time comes so that everything is ready.

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I've been in bed pretty much all day. Livejournal unblocked my other journal which is good, I want to read it. Ian has been playing Plants Vs Zombies for an hour. He will be in bed soon and so will I. I don't have the emotional strength to write more. 
Cool Crisp Air
Chugging along through my empty existence. Today when I woke up I ran some errands. I took Ian to Target so we could pick out a birthday present for my stepmother. We ended up getting her this very cute owl shaped candle and a black stand for it to go on. I need to purchase some cards for her also, but it will have to wait until Wednesday as I am extremely strapped for cash this week (I just had to settle a debt to avoid going to court-- I wanted to pay it, I just didn't have what they were asking for, but they were talked down pretty easily-- we both wanted to avoid a hassle). I also picked up a very cute bath time whistle for Ian to play with in the tub for only $2.50! Last but not least I bought a dress I've had my eyes on for a while now, the price finally went down low enough for me to justify buying it (and I needed a Thanksgiving dress). It's very classy, has a peter pan collar and a horse pattern. I like it. Small things like that keep me going. Well, I tell myself they do-- works well enough.

After I left Target I hit the liquor store and then grabbed a coffee, got my lovely sister some McDonalds and have just been hanging out in the house since then. I'm not strong enough at the moment to write about things that are really hanging around deep in the back of my mind-- though I want to. I know I will eventually but it's just not the right time.

Tammy has called me, so I will cut this short.

Don't make me laugh, don't make me cry-- sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough; I don't know why.

Feeling: blank blank
Music: Lana Del Rey - Dark Paradise

Cool Crisp Air
Where will I be
When there's pain as far as eyes can see
I'll stand in line for days and nights, for making up lost time
And this is how it feels

So now I cut these loveless wrists
My head sure hurts today I'll take another twenty pills and try to make my troubles go away

So now I cut these loveless wrists
My head sure hurts today I'll take another twenty pills and try to make my troubles go away

I once felt strong
It wouldn't last for long
I wrap my hands around my neck
Kill myself again
Cut my arms with the biggest knife that I can stand

Why waste time
Lifting my head
Keep it down
And save face instead
Why waste time
Lifting my head
Keep it down
Save face instead

I once felt strong
It wouldn't last for long
I wrap my hands around my neck
Kill myself again
Cut my arms with the biggest knife that I can stand

It's more than I can stand.

Feeling: sad sad
Music: Loveless Wrists - Bayside

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I will keep my heart from you
To keep you safe
I shall burn in this hell
In a fire made for you
I will wipe every tear
Of your frozen heart
My devotion will never fade
I'll honor you every night
I will strike down with a vengeance
On the fears that haunt your soul
I will always be there
Though from a distance
And though my heart shall bleed
My love will never blacken
And through these lonely streets
I'll honor you every night

My devotion will never fade.

-Of The Wand and The Moon,

Feeling: sad sad

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What is on your holiday wish list this year? One random answer will win a $50 Amazon gift card. [Details here]

Dear Santa,

I've been a really good girl this year. I hope that you can find it in your heart to help to make my wishlist come true. :)

1) My son to have a fantastic Christmas this year.
2) To find a better job in order to provide a better life for my family.
3) Love, patience, and trust in life.

Thank you in advance!

Feeling: happy happy

1 leaf fell * Cool Crisp Air
I am really missing my past right now. I'm also hurt from puking all morning, my shoulders, back, head hurts, I'm tired. On top of that my heart hurts because of all the things I remember, and all the things I miss, and all the people who helped shape me and who I hurt. Roar?

Feeling: tired tired

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Oh, Nostalgia. I am having quite a bit of it right now. I am considering continuing to post on Livejournal, and I may as well use an account I already have set up. Will be mostly friends only. I think I need this.

Feeling: contemplative contemplative
Music: Bed Destroyers

6 leaves fell * Cool Crisp Air
I got bored, found this survey-- Badabing, Badaboom!

1. What bill do you hate paying the most: The Cable Bill, because it is the most expensive.

2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner: Olive Garden. :)

3. Do you regret losing your virginity to who you lost it to: Not at all.

4. Do you own a guitar: Yes, a Bass.

5. Name of your first grade teacher: I think her name was Mrs. Dennis, but I'm not sure...

6. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance: Yes, when I was young, and my Mom faked being hurt in a car accident like she always does.

7. Do you own a piggy bank shaped like a pig: No, but I bought my brother one.

8. How many colleges did you attend: Only one.

9. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now: Because Hoodies are awesome?

10. What are your thoughts on gas prices: They fucking suck. :(

11. Do you shower facing the shower head or with your back to it: Both, depending on which side is colder at the time.

12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning: I didn't have the alarm set today, it was my day off, bitch!

14. Do you have anything in your pockets right now: No pockets in da pants, sweetie.

15. How many windows are open on your computer: Two.

16. What errand/chore do you despise: I hate washing dishes and floors.

17. If you didn't have to work, would you volunteer: Yes, definitely.

18. Get up early or sleep in: I like both in their own little ways, though there are definately windows for Rianasanity. Like, 'early' would be after 8:30 but before 9:30, and sleeping in ALWAYS has to be until at least noon.

19. What is your favorite cartoon character: SAILOR MOOOOOON.

20. Who was the last text you received from: My Daddy.

21. Are you a daydreamer: Oh yes, all the time.

22. When did you first start feeling old: A few weeks before my 22nd birthday.

23. Favorite 80s movie: I can't choose just one!

24. Your favorite lunch meat: HAM HAM HAM.

25. What do you get every time you go into Costco: Well, we go to Price Rite, and we always get Egg Bagels and two things of Cream Cheese.

26. Beach or lake: Lake, actually.

27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual: No. Can I has marriage? plz?

28. Do you own property: I own my car?

29. Favorite guilty pleasure? Girly TV shows.

30. Favorite movie you wouldn't want anyone to find out about: Well, if I don't want anyone to find out, why would I type it? ;D

31. What's your drink at the bar: TEQUILA SUNRISEEEE.

32. Cowboys or Indians: Cowboys ;D

33. Are you sarcastic: Yes, at times.

34. Are you shy: Only in new situations.

35. In the past week have you gotten sick: Nope.

36. Norm or Cliff from Cheers: Who knows.

37. In the past week, have you felt stupid: I feel stupid all the time.

38. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back: Just the one a couple Januarys ago. Blechh.

39. In the past week have you gotten your hair cut: No... I love my poor hair.

40. What famous person would you like to have dinner with: Kate Winslet... or Jim Carey.... OR ANGELINA JOLIE.

41. Indoors or outdoors: I like the indoors, more than the outdoors, but only by a couple of points. Maybe a 60/40%.

42. Be honest, do you buy the cheap or expensive toilet paper: We get our TP from Price Rite, baby.

43. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose: No, Actually.

44. Last book you read for real: Elvenbane, by Andre Norton and Mercedes Lackey.

45. Has someone disappointed you recently: Nope! :)

46. What was the last movie you watched: Holiday in Handcuffs, about an hour ago.

47. Somewhere in California you have never been and would like to go: California PERIOD.

48. Have you been outside the USA: Nope.

49. At this point in your life would you like to start a new career: YES NOW PLEASE.

50. Just how OLD are you: 22 :(

Location: Home.
Feeling: tired tired
Music: None

3 leaves fell * Cool Crisp Air
I don't really do Livejournal anymore. Which is probably a good thing.

I want my fucking hairdryer

and I need to fucking find a place to live.

<3 to all the people who screw me over!
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Mother, I have spent the past three years living my life trying not to be like you. I've grown up-- it's your turn now.

I am sick of your bullshit, plain and simple. If you can't stop victimizing yourself and making your own life a living hell-- doing nothing to help yourself, then I can't stand back anymore watching someone who I love and care for very much DESTROY their very existance, and mine.

I can go on and on and on about all the ways you have dissapointed me, but there's no matter-- you have an answer for everything, you will not listen. You are immature, selfish, manipulative and irresponsible-- amoung many other adjectives that could be used to describe how much you've let me down, let the older two down, and will eventually let the twins, and everyone you have ever graced with your presence down. I do not see how you think you lead a life you can be proud of-- You must be proud of it, you certainly aren't doing anything to make the quality of it better.

That is all besides the point, and though I probably shouldn't give you the luxury of my insight, I have, and I will not erase the words that my hands have betrayed now that they have already been coaxed out.

You may have created me, but I will not die because of you.

I'm sorry, but I need to leave you now. I can't deal with you anymore. I will kill myself.

In a way this may be for the best-- if everyone is so concentrated on hating me ((and I know you will make them hate me, you always do)) then maybe they will forget about hating you for a little while. Only a little while... make the best of it.

Try to help yourself-- even though I know that you will not listen. You never do. Just try. For the twince.

4 leaves fell * Cool Crisp Air

1 leaf fell * Cool Crisp Air
I think the only one that got messed up was the Plastic Surgery one. It's supposed to be an X not a checkmark. Enjoy!

(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

I miss somebody right now.  (Yep.) × I don't watch much TV these days.  (I watch more TV than I used to. *g* It's something Justin and I like to do together.) I own lots of books.  (Not TOO many, but enough to keep my happy I suppose. More than 30.)
I wear glasses or contact lenses.  (And I love them! My glasses are wicked hawt.) I love to play video games.  (Especially with Justin-- we're working on Champions of Norrath: Return to Arms right now.) I've tried marijuana.  (I used to smoke it a lot, actually-- recently I've given it up, I don't like to smoke it too much.)
I've watched porn movies.  (I've watched them, but more for the comedy factor than anything else. It doesn't get me off or anything.) I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.  (Most likely. >.> At least once, anyway.) I believe honesty is usually the best policy.  (THERE IS NOTHING THAT I BELIEVE MORE.)
I curse sometimes.  (Sometimes? How about ALL the fucking time. I swear like a sailor.) I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.  (For anyone who REALLY knows me-- this goes without saying.) × I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.  (Wtf? No.)
it goes on...Collapse )
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2585K 12:37
“Person 1: ((sigh))
Person B: Off and on.
Person 1: [inaudible] ...probably didn't hear it then. I'll have to see if they have it and see if I can get it.
Person B: If the same people are even there--it's been like five years.
Person 1: Probably they are- I don't know- I know Carly's still there.
Person B: Naw-huh! What the crap?!?
Person 1: Carly's a dumb ass.
Person B: Carly says she never goes online anymore.
Person 1: Uh, she's online like all the time.
Person B: I know. I always see her online all the time.
Person 1: Oh, my god-
Person B: -Watch: She'll like randomly pop in my LiveJournal and listen to this and be like, "YOU GUYS ARE TALKING ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK!" ((guffaw))
Person 1: ((laughter)) Yeah, she will. I'm sorry [inaudible].
Person B: And I'll be like, "Dude, why are you lurking around in my 'eLJay.'
Person 1: ((laughter)) Oh, my god, I so wish I could make a fucking-- post like this in my journal.
Person B: Jibba.
Person 1: Jibba. ((clears throat))
Person B: Jibba jabba! Jibba!
Person 1: Jabba jabba jabba jab! ((laughter))
Person B: Like jibba!
Person 1: ((laughter)) Oh, my god. [inaudible]
Person B: Jibba. Sanko. Jibba jabba. Jibba jibjib jib jabba.
Person 1: Ok. ((laughter))
Person B: I used to be on like AOL.
Person 1: Yeah, I know.
Person B: I remember your old screenname.
Person 1: Wait. Let me think of all my old screennames: GlitterKittenIdiot. SunshineKitten. KellyKapowski. JibbaJabbob. Oh my god, do you remember that one?
Person B: MmHmm. .:thumbs through magazine:.
Person 1: I don't have that password.
Person B: Back when I was KittyKitty350.
Person 1: Yeah. I have them all written down.
Person B: MmHmm. .:catches up on written correspondence:.
Person 1: Oh, yeah. I think-
Person B: And then I was like... AylacatCT.
Person 1: I think-- yeah, someone stole that from me and fucked it up.
Person B: Oh, yeah! That was so awesome! ((ROFLING)) I so rock.
Person 1: Yeah, I lost everything.
Person B: It wasn't me. I never went into your AIM.
Person 1: I don't have that password anymore.
Person B: I so like... rock.
Person 1: Yeah.
Person B: .:starts painting nails:. Hasn't five minuets happened yet?
Person 1: Yeah. I thought like a long time ago. Maybe it's longer than fiv-
Person B: -No, it said the cap is five minuets.
Person 1: I don't kno-
Person B: Let me press a button. Hold on. .:hangs up:.”

Transcribed by: proper_noun
2 leaves fell * Cool Crisp Air
Thought Provoking Questions
If you could rid the earth of one thing, what would it be?:Spitefulness.
What is one thing in life you feel most guilty about?:January, 2006... the first half of it anyway.
If you could've known someone as a child that you know now who would it be?:Justin. Most definately.
Who is the single most charming person you have ever met?:In ways of charm, probably Alex. As asshole-ish as he is on the outside, he's always got the right thing to say if he realizes he's actually hurt you.
If you could eliminate one emotion from your life, which would it be?:Helplessness.
You suddenly find yourself at the Pearly Gates - make your case for entry::I've tried to be as good a person as I could possible be in my adult life... I've made mistakes, and I am sorry for them... and that I am a person worth admitting.
If you could give one thing to each of your ex-lovers, what would it be?:A kiss. Not a sexual kiss... just a kiss on the cheek, in apology for the way I've treated them. I wasn't a good kid...
If you had to confess the most evil thing youve ever done what would it be?:I cheated on Justin last January. That is possibly the worst thing I could have ever done.
What is one personality trait you've tried hardest to change in yourself?:Procrastination.
What would you say is the silliest thing people do in general?:Putting themselves in bad situations that can easily be avoided.
What is the most difficult goodbye you're ever said?:I... really don't know the answer to that question. I try not to say many goodbyes...
What is the grossest thing you ever put in your mouth?:Probably a child's toe... which sounds pedo... but I was just playing with them, which also sounds pedo... but it's not!
Who is the biggest hypocrite you have ever met?:I plead the fifth! :)
Decide a new punishment for convicted murderers, besides the death penalty::The strap. *grins evilly*
What would you say is the most beautiful word in your own language?:Euphoric.
What was your worst case of putting your foot in your mouth?:Last night when I said to Lissy "I used to flirt with Carlos all the time just to make him akward!" and Justin said "WHAT?!" >.>
What is the most embarrassing moment of your life?:I tend to try to laugh at myself... I don't get embarassed often, so I don't really have one. ^^;
If the U.S. had to sacrifice one state, which one would you give away?:Texas.
What is your most recurring dream?:I don't have recurring dreams. Each and every one is different.
If you had the gift of magic for one day, what would you do?:A... lot... of... things... o.o; I don't even know. I'd put a glamorie on myself to make me blonde haired/blue eyed/dark skinned.
Out of all your friends, who do you think would be easiest to seduce:Tammy... >.>
If you were 6 inches tall for a day, what would you do?:o.o; Sleep. I'd want to be tall again. *grins*
If God were to appear to you in any form, how would you want him to appear?:I'd want HER to appear in the exact embodiment of the person I strive to be.
If you could forget one thing, what would it be?:I'm... not sure... I like remembering things... and I am going to end up with a bad memory because of my Dad so... meh...
Would you ever want to date yourself as a member of the opposite sex?:YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Would you ever have your spouse followed to find out if they were cheating?:Nope. Never. I trust him.
Did you ever have an imaginary friend? How would you describe them?:Yes. His name was Boingo. In fact, I was a perfect angel as a child... it was Boingo who always got me into trouble. He was mean, but he was fun.
If God were to grant you one favor, what would you ask?:Stability... the ability to survive.
If you could invent one new home appliance, what would it do?:Clean for me. >.< Clean. Everything. YAY ROBOTS.
What is one occassion that you were unjustly angry?:Oh, there were a lot of those. I can't even begin to explain.
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Thought Provoking Questions Pt. 2
Do you squeeze the toothpaste tube or roll it?::I squeeze it. ^^;
What's the advantage of your method?::There is no advantage. >.>
What do you do if you can't sleep at night?::Masturbate?
Have you ever helped a total stranger? If so, how?::I try to help total strangers if they seem worth my time... but I don't have any examples. XD
Have you ever had a premonition that actually came true?::Yes, many times. That's all I will say about that.
What's the worst tasting thing you've ever eaten?::Sour Milk? I didn't eat it on purpose of course.
In what situations are you most likely to procrastinate?::ALL situations.
What's the wackiest belief you held as a child?::Um... *thinks* That Boingo was real? I don't know! ha ha ha.
What do you take for granted the most?::Probably Justin... >.>
Wha's better, your short term or long term memory?::Long term.
If you could be invisible for one day, what would you do?::WREAK HAVOC UPON THE WORLD! Get back at everyone who has wronged me and I've yet to forgive.
What song do you want played at your funeral?::"Without You" from RENT.
What positives if any have resulted from the bad experiences in your life?::Tons of positives. There are always more positives than negatives that come out of a bad situation. You end up learning a lot about other people and yourself.
If God were to wipe out all evil what would that do to our population?::Most of us would be dead.
When you're at home do you wear shoes, socks, slippers, or go barefoot?::Barefoot.
How often do you doodle? What do your doodles usually look like?::I don't really doodle, and they look bad. XD
On a scale of 1 to 10, how well do you sing?::8.
How good are you at multitasking? Give an example?::VERY good at multitasking. When I had internet at work, I'd keep up with my forums AND do all my work. I multitask constantly.
When you have nothing pressing, where does your mind drift?::I try not to let it drift... but probably on my problems.
Who has made the biggest impact on you? Explain.::Jenn Gunn has. She's really helped me to grow up a lot in the past few years. She believed in my when my whole side of my family here in Rhode Island thought I was a fuck up.
How has your birth order affected you?::I have to be more responsible, I worry about my brothers, I have to be a good role model, etc. I am the oldest, obviously.
Which is worse - an innocent person imprisoned or a guilty one set free?::An innocent imprisoned.
How well do you receive criticism from others?::I try to recieve it well, but it is from someone who I am not on friendly terms with... then I don't recieve it well.
How convinced are you that the sun will rise tomorrow?::Very convinced...
What makes you so sure?::Alex told me it would and I believe him!
What do you do when a homeless person asks you for money?::I'm near homeless myself, so I tell them I don't have any.
How do you feel afterward?::I feel bad... but at the same time... I'm working my ass off for what I have, and they can too.
How sensitive a person are you? Explain.::VERY sensitive, but not as much as I used to be. I've gotten somewhat thickskinned, but when the situations pile up... I crack.
If God can do anything, can he make a rock so heavy he cannot lift it?::This is a retarded question.
Can Hell, God's justice, and God's love all be real at the same time?::Yep.
What's one fashion trend that you hope never comes back?::Um... I dunno. I love all fashion! *grins*
What sound drives you crazy?::the sound of a TV turning on.
What sound lulls you to sleep?::Nothing, really...
Whom do you run to when something bad happens in your life?::Jenn.
Have you dreamed of flying, falling, or running? Describe.::All three, but in many different cases. Too many to 'describe'.
What superpower would you want to have, and why?::SUPER STRENGTH! bwa ha ha.
Why do you think divorce is so prevalent?::Because people lie to themselves, and they force themselves into a fantasy world just so they can be 'happy' and then realize that it's just not happening.
When is it appropriate to resort to making a threat?::When you know better than the person you're threatening.
What brings out your pessimistic side?::It comes and goes, it doesn't have a trigger. Probably when I get emotional and too bogged down with shit.
Whom have you lost touch with but still wonder about?::Zinco, Andy, AR, Nick, Alexis, Jeremy, Harrison... all the old groups of my online lives.
Is it better to have loved and lost or never to have loved at all?::Yes.
Do you tend to save everything or toss everything? Explain.::Depends on my mood. I'll save it until it becomes unbearable to keep.
When do you most feel like a slave to time?::AT WORK. :|
Do you tend to leave & resolve and argument later or settle it right then?::I like to settle it right then, most of the time, but if I feel I am going to be exceptionally harsh, I will leave and settle later.
What's the worst movie you've ever seen and who did you see it with?::Doom, with Justin. XD I liked it, but it was the worst.
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You've been totally Bzoink*d

More to come... brb. XD

Thought Provoking Questions pt. 3
For someone you loved deeply, would you move to a distant country?:Yes. In a milisecond.
Would u spend 1 yr in perfect happiness knowing after u'd remember nothing?:No. I like my memory.
What would constitute a:-- I guess this question got cut off? LAWLZ.
Whom do you admire the most? In what ways do they inspire you?:Jenn. She inspires me to make myself a better person, and to help others do the same.
What is your most treasured memory?:Justin...
What was your most enjoyable dream? Your worst nightmare?:I don't even have enough room to write them here! What do you take me for?! lawlz.
If ur fiancee became a paraplegic, would u still go thru with the marriage?:Yes.
How do you react when people sing:I'm critical. I do it to make me feel better about myself.
How would you react if you found out that a good friend of yours has AIDS?:I'd be so sad :( and be there for them.
What if your brother or sister had it?:I would die with them.
Do you feel ill at east going alone to either dinner or a movie?:Yes >.> I hate going out alone.
What would you do if you discovered your close friend was a heroin dealer?:I probably wouldn't be surprised.
What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?:NOTHING is too serious. XD
When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?:Yesterday... and today... >.> GO PMS.
What things are too personal to discuss with others?:Nothing. I discuss EVERYTHING. XD
How many times during the day do you look at yourself in the mirror?:EVERY TIME I PASS ONE. >.>
Before making a telephone call, do you rehearse what you're going to say?:Only when it's a professional phone call.
When given a compliment, do you acknowledge it or say you don't deserve it?:I say thank you. :)
Of all those close to you, whose death would you find most disturbing?:>.> Everyone's. :(
Are actual experiences or the memories that remain of them more important?:The memories.
What do you seek in a friend yet neither expect nor want in a lover?:Nothing. I want everything in both.
How would you like to be remembered after you die?:As a good kid.
What would you like to be said at your funeral?:I dunno. Nice things, I hope.
Whom would you like to speak?:Everyone! XD
If you could've chosen your own first name, what would it be?:Alexandria. :)
If u could be guaranteed one thing in life besides money, what would it be?:Love.
Describe the saddest thing that ever happened to you::There have been a lot of sad things.
If you could enact one law that doesn't currently exist, what would it be?:None.
If you could commit one crime without being caught, what crime would it be?:Murder.
If u were kidnapped & could bring 1 personal possession what would u bring?:My cellphone. XD
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You've been totally Bzoink*d
Cool Crisp Air
This entry is just for Tammy, considering she's taking a walk down memory lane, and she wants me to post more, I decided I might as well too. >.>

dima2k: Excuse me... But I don't think those are good names. Lol. You just can never go simple, eh? Oh well.
Danielle. Lisa. Valerie.
Try names of famous cheerleaders, if blonde. Try names of famous geniuses, if dark. ;)

aylathedreamer: O.o;;; Tell that to my mother, not me. I'm still naming my baby girl Infinity.

dima2k: Heh. You'll change your mind one day ;)

aylathedreamer: Hell no I won't.

that was May, 2002. Four years later and I still haven't changed my mind. SO THERE, DIMA! XD XD XD

"It's 10:00AM and I'm pissed off already. Wonderful.

I hate my life, with a passion.

-Edit at noon: make that a BURNING passion."

I've noticed that MANY of my Livejournal entries usually read around those lines. *lawlz*

"Just incase no one noticed...It's July now O.o;"

I was so perceptive.

And now-- a survey.

I AM: "Just a fucked up girl looking for my own piece of mind-- don't assign me yours" ((stolen from Eternal Sunshine, of course)).
I WANT: My financial difficulties to dissapear.
I WISH: That having a second job would not make me vomit.
I HATE: Being FORCED into situations whose outcomes have little to do with me.
I MISS: A crapload of people... AR, Andy, Nick, Zinco, Alexis, Jeremy, Harrison, Alex, Nifi, Tala, Meru... a lot of people...
I FEAR: Dying.
I HEAR: Riana, Ri-Ri, Ana, Lady... all of my sides... yelling at each other. ((whoa, melodrama.))
I WONDER: What will happen next?
I REGRET: Not taking school seriously.
I AM NOT: The type of person I want to be.
I DANCE: At the trashy bar on Fridays.
I SING: very rarely, these days.
I CRY: At work, mostly. Where it is usually the most stressful...
I AM NOT ALWAYS: The best type of friend...
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: the office run more smoothly...
I WRITE: usually when I am upset... I am afraid if I write any other time I will discover parts of me I would rather keep hidden.
I CONFUSE: everyone, with my personality.
I NEED: a simpler lifestyle.
I SHOULD: Get another job...
I START: fights... by accident... because I am too honest.
I FINISH: almost nothing that I start.
I LOVE: too many things to list, and at the same time, I don't know what love is.

This was a lame entry. Oh well.

Feeling: tired tired
Music: None.

Cool Crisp Air
So... I just spent the past few hours going through Justin's e-mail accounts before he changes the passwords on me. I know it may have been wrong, but... it was for a good cause? Basically what I did was go through all the ones that we sent back and forth since the beginning of our relationship and save them to disk... as a memento I guess.

God... what did I do to him? I've completely ruined his life without even realizing it. He used to be so... happy... I've killed his soul and didn't even realize it. I am so sorry for that.......

Well. I have it saved now. Tomorrow he is coming by to give me my writing, and I am going to be neither optimistic or pessimistic about that one.

I love him so much, I miss him, and I want him back. I will do anything for him...

Out of everything, what I treasure the most is this-- and I will sleep with it close to me until he comes back, or until I die:

"This wouldn't be the first time my words have failed to capture a moment I wish would last until the end of my days, but I'll try again and hope that those emotionless pre-dawn hours never find this scene. Chances are that by the time you find this, we'll be little more than a fading memory etched into the backgronds of another wasted lifetime. Still, I can't believe that I have never watched you sleep until now, or known hor beautiful you really are when nobody is looking. I've always thought in my darkest moments that there is nothing in this world worth living for... it's strange how you make me second guess myself."

And now... that I have driven myself to tears once again...... I am going to dissapear for a while.
1 leaf fell * Cool Crisp Air
I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldnt be that man I adored
You dont seem to know, dont seem to care what your heart is for
But I dont know him anymore
Theres nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
Thats whats going on, nothings fine Im torn

Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
Youre a little late, Im already torn

So I guess the fortune tellers right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and now
I dont care, I have no luck, I dont miss it all that much
Theres just so many things that I cant touch, Im torn

Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
Youre a little late, Im already torn. torn.

Theres nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
Thats whats going on, nothings right, Im torn

Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and Im ashamed bound and broken on the floor
Youre a little late, Im already torn


Too many broken hearts have fallen down the river
Too many lonely souls have drifted out to sea
You lay your bets and then you pay the price
The things we do for love
(the things we do for love)

Communication is the problem to the answer
You’ve got her number and your hand is on the phone
The weather’s turned and all the lines our down
The things we do for love
(the things we do for love)

Like walking in the rain and snow
When there’s nowhere to go
And you’re feeling like a part of you is dying
And you’re looking for the answer in her eyes
You think you wanna break up
Then she says she wants to make up

Ooh, you make me love you
Ooh, you’ve got a way
Ooh, you’ve had me crawling up the wall


Like walking in the rain and snow
When there’s nowhere to go
And you’re feeling like a part of you is dying
And you’re looking for the answer in her eyes
You think you wanna break up
Then she says she wants to make up

Ooh, you make me love you
Ooh, you’ve got a way
Ooh, you’ve had me crawling up the wall

A compromise would surely help the situation
Agree to disagree, but disagree to part
Well after all it’s just a compromise
For the things we do for love
(the things we do for love)
the things we do for love
(the things we do for love)
the things we do for love
(the things we do for love)


Feels like, I'm standing in a timeless dream
Of light mists, of pale amber rose
Feels like, I'm lost in a deep cloud of heavenly scent
Touching, discovering you

Those days, of warm rains come rushing back to me
Miles of windless, summer night air
Secret moments, shared in the heat of the afternoon
Out of the stillness, soft spoken words

I love you, always forever
Near and far, closer together
Everywhere, I will be with you
Everyday, I will devour you
I love you, always forever
Near and far, closer together
Everywhere, I will be with you
Everyday, I will devour you

You've got, the most unbelievable
blue eyes I've ever seen
You've got, me almost melt away
As we lay there, under a blue sky
with pure white stars
Exotic sweetness, a magical time


Say you'll love, love me forever
Never stop, not for whatever
Near and far and always and
everywhere and everything

Say you'll love, love me forever
Never stop, not for whatever
Near and far and always and
everywhere and everything

Say you'll love, love me forever
Never stop, not for whatever
Near and far and always and
everywhere and everything
Cool Crisp Air
I've neglected Livejournal in the past, yes, but I think there is somewhat that should be known...

Justin just broke up with me... I am numb.
4 leaves fell * Cool Crisp Air
Ana is going to have a nervous breakdown... she really really is. She can feel it in her blood.
3 leaves fell * Cool Crisp Air
2 leaves fell * Cool Crisp Air
There were some kids at URI ((a college a few downs down from me)) who were friends with a couple of my best friends at that school. In March they went on a boat one night and dissapeared. Their bodies are just being found now.

It's depressing. I'm the type of person to put myself in other people's shoes, so I can't help but wonder HOW they died. Did they drown? Was it the freezing cold wateR? Were they drunk? What were they thinking before they died. What did it feel like?

Considering that death is my worst fear, this has really put me in a huge funk. I can deal with it when I can remove myself from it, but this is just too close to home... it IS home...

its just depressing
these kids will never graduate college
they'll never eat pasta again
or see their friends
or anything

I hate to think that their last thought before dying was wondering why they were so stupid to go out on a boat that night.

I hope they thought something happy.
Cool Crisp Air

They found two of the bodies of the URI kids who went missing a couple months ago in the bay.

Cool Crisp Air
A lot of people say Livejournal is a place for emo-kids and goths to whine about life, preppy kids to act like retards, and just everyone to generally be an all around idiot. People don't like livejournal because it's full of drama and pointless shit.

I don't know. I guess it is that way for a lot of people, but let me tell you what LJ is for me:

Livejournal is a place where I can say things that I don't feel comfortable saying to any one particular person. Things that I am not going to seek out a one on one conversation to talk about. Thing that, while on my mind and important to me, aren't worth bringing directly to another person.

Livejournal is a place I can say really horrible and bitchy things about people that I don't particularly mean. I'm the type of person whose anger goes down a whole bunch after I've said a whole bunch of insulting shit. It's like an outlet for me. A defense mechanism.

Livejournal is a place I don't come to very often anymore. I look back on years and years of entries and realize that I was a very needy, angry, irrational girl. I liked me back then, because I was vindictive, spiteful, and it amuses me now to read back on that.

I like me now, too. I like the fact that I'm not as angry and depressed. I like the fact that I'm not as needy for attention anymore. I'm still spiteful and vindictive, but that's another story, ha ha ha.

Anyway, while I'll never outgrow Livejournal because I'm sure I will always have things to bitch about to nobody in particular... I feel as if I don't NEED it as much anymore, and that sorta makes me smile on the inside. It's nice.

Location: Work~
Feeling: thoughtful thoughtful
Music: None~

Cool Crisp Air
I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck.

My new name is Ana. Thanks for complying. Or something.
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I'm feeling much better today, thank you very much. I really wish people who took precious time out of their day to let me know that they hate me... would sign their name. Really, it's not that hard, and all it does is let me make a point not to talk to whoever it is anymore. I've thought of everyone I know in NY who could have written it, and it doesn't seem like anyone could have-- Oh, well.

Organizing is fun. I should do it more often. XD I need to call apartments, fun fun. After I organize, when I get home from work. I need to finish Justin's resume. I'm a mess. That's okay, soon I won't be a mess so much anymore! :)
2 leaves fell * Cool Crisp Air
The only part of my life right now that I don't absolutely hate is Gaia Online. How pathetic am I?

Mreh. I'm horribly depressed, I never write in here anymore, and I suck. Whoohoo~
7 leaves fell * Cool Crisp Air
Not being blonde makes me feel... empty inside.
1 leaf fell * Cool Crisp Air
I need your lovin'... like the sunshine...
1 leaf fell * Cool Crisp Air
I feel like my whole life is crashing down around my ankles again. I feel like something is very wrong and I can't put my finger on what and no one is telling me. I feel panicky. I'm so hot that I am sweating, yet everyone in the office thinks that it is chilly. I can feel my heart beating, it feels like it's trying to get out of my chest. I'm shaking just enough to have dropped my stapler like 5 times while trying to do these damned invoices. I'm leaking from my eyes AND my nose. I am not a pretty sight right now. I just want everything to be okay as it possibly can be, and I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Apparently nothing, but if I keep doing whatever I'm doing... things will get worse. I can feel it.

Feeling: anxious anxious
Music: None-- Work.

Cool Crisp Air
murky water
cool and unperturbed
bring me your star spotted surface

So, if you know me well you know by now that I am prone to having very weird and detailed dreams. Last night was no exception! I don't really remember the beginning of the dream so much as how it turned out. I know that there was a Grandmother, a Mother, and a Baby and they were all pretty young. The mother was about my age or a little older, the grandmother was about Jenn's age. We were staying in a hotel in shared rooms with only a divider seperating us-- we didn't even know each other. They weren't taking care of their baby very well so I was trying to help them. Eventually they got mad that I was butting in on their life and moved rooms. I went to sleep. Later on they came running back in screaming and begging me to take care of their baby. They were all covered with little green ants, and the ants were biting. I grabbed the baby and tried to get all the ants off her, but they were just getting on me and especially in my hair. I tried desperately to get them out of my hair but they just would not go. Then my computer woke me up because Sailor Moon was still on-- I fell asleep with it on. @____@;

Weird dreams, go me!
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Wow, what a selfish woman-- she still wants me to do her dirty-work even after we haven't spoken for pretty much two months. Jesus Christ.
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I hate bad dreams-- and I had a really weird/bad one last night.

Cut for dream/some potentially embarassing partsCollapse )
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I miss my boyfriend. Like, alot. Like, alot alot. Mreh...
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Survey~Collapse )
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Sometimes I wake up in the morning and the smell is just so unbearably nostalgic that all I want to do is stay in bed. I can never put my finger on what's making me feel that way, but it's sort of nice at the same time. It's a strange feeling, almost like Deja Vu, but not really. I was all snuggly and warm and I didn't want to get up this morning @_@. Mreh.
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Mreh... I'm tired... and not really in a good mood like I told him I'd be... I don't know. Yeah, we had a pretty emotional conversation last night-- No, I still don't know why he said that I was hiding something because he's trying to convince me that he doesn't think so.

How can people say things and either 1) Mean a something else completely or 2) Have no idea what they mean by what they say. Raaar.

I want to go back to sleep.

Edit: I think maybe I'm just going to get a private journal and abandon this one. No one reads it, no one has any input on my life whatsoever-- so why have it out here in the open where if someone were to read it they could potentially use it to hurt me. I'm still thinking about it.

I can not believe that it is Thursday already. Amazing. Two jobs to go to tonight, and one job to go to tomorrow... and then Jenn's for the weekend. I get to see my brother and sisters! :) I miss them. Of course I'm really only going because Dad and Jenn are going out Saturday night and I need to babysit... I'd really much rather spend the weekend with Justin... but I need to get out sometimes too I suppose... Mreh, I dunno.

2 leaves fell * Cool Crisp Air
All I want to do right now is go curl up in a little ball in the middle of nowhere and just waste away or something. I'm trying really really really hard not to cry because I am at work, but it isn't working as well as I'd like it to.

I didn't know he felt that way-- and here I was thinking we were doing about a million times better than we were before... what a stupid girl I am. This is terrible...

Ah, mind-numbing depression-- How I've evaded you for so long... Welcome back...

Edit: Justin and I need to have a serious... serious... serious conversation. Serious.

Edit: I don't know why he's doing this... why is he doing this?

Edit: That's right Justin-- change the password that you gave to me weeks ago and get angry/upset becasuse I went into it to grab a copy of your resume because I was going to fix it up for you, and then stumbled across an e-mail telling someone else that you think I'm hiding something and that things are weird between us again-- and THEN tell me that you don't know what you meant by it and that you didn't think that and that you don't think I'm hiding something. So Justin, who are you lying to, Me or Amanda? You're being a peckerhead and I'm really hurt right now. Really freaking hurt. I am an open book and you can't even tell yourself the truth nevermind anyone else. Do you even really want to do this? I'm not going to bust my ass to get us a place to live if your heart isn't into it 100%. Are you with me because you love me or just because its easier than not being with me. You told me you loved me and that you wanted to get back together. You forgave me. I haven't lied to you one single time since that day you came to my house. I don't know what you think I'm hiding from you, but whatever you think it is it's wrong. I'm not hiding a damned thing. Like I'd be stupid enough to try to hide shit from you twice in a row. Yeah, right. You need to decide what the fuck you want to do with our current situation, and how you feel about our current situation and just sit the fuck down and tell me. Seriously.

How can two people living in the SAME RELATIONSHIP have two COMPLETELY fucking different perceptions of it? I can understand a little off-- but polar opposites? No. Figure out who the fuck you're lying to (Me, Amanda, or yourself) stop lying, and figure out what you want to do in the upcoming months. I won't be dragged around like a dirty sock. That's not fair to me trying to work my ass of so WE can have a happy life together and you going behind my back saying that we're not doing well. That's bullshit.

You know what else is bullshit? The living out of your car shit. WHERE have you been staying the past few weeks? Not your car-- MY HOUSE. Well, my Dad's house. And while that doesn't really upset him and definitely doesnt upset me-- its still not your car. Stop trying to monger pity because I have to go away this weekend and you don't have anywhere to stay except with your mother. It's three days, deal with it. If you really don't want to 'live out of your car' then work harder to get a job so we can get out of our respective homes sooner so that we can have our OWN place to come and go as we please. Seriously. Raarg.

You have no right to be upset-- you gave me your password a long time ago. You KNOW that I go into your e-mail for various reasons. You KNOW I've been working on your resume, and yet you still wrote it. There's got to be something you want to say, and if you do I'd rather you say it to me.

I could keep ranting about this but it will all boil down to the same shit, and you probably won't even read it anyway so I am going to shut up now and try to get through the rest of my 11 hour workday. Thanks for your support Justin. I fucking love you, but I am extremely, undeniably, hurt right now. More hurt than angry, sad, or anything else. Definitely hurt. It feels like a huge slap across the face. Seriously.

Feeling: depressed devastated/pained

Cool Crisp Air
I am definitely extremely dissapointed in myself today. I haven't gotten nearly as much done as I *NEED* to have done at this point in time. Last night was a bust, I never called American General because I am a stupid bitch. This only means that tonight and tomorrow night are going to be super-long... but I have to do it. Not only because if I don't get this done I am screwed, but because if I don't get this done there will be people I really love very dissapointed in me. I can't even work the guts up to call Jenn and tell her that I didn't end up calling last night ((I'm not even going to type out my excuse, because its no excuse.)) because I know she will be very not-happy about that. I'm going to call tonight on the way to my second job, and then tomorrow at lunch I am going to the greenwood credit union and then if that doesn't work I will try to find more online apps and if that doesn't work then we'll just go to the last resort-- but I have to show that I've put some effort in this week or else everyone will just be upset with me and I don't want that.

I hope this all works out okay... Justin and I are trying hard. He's going to e-mail me his resume, and then I am going to revise it, and then we're going to put it up on job-websites, and then we're going to find him a goddamned steady job or two :| Also, he's been getting 2-3 applications a day. I'm glad that he's trying, it makes me really hopeful.

I am at work right now though, so off to do my alphabetizing...

Feeling: cranky cranky
Music: None~

Cool Crisp Air
I miss my boy... I want him here... now.

1 leaf fell * Cool Crisp Air
I had a strange dream last night. Justin, Judie, and Jen T. were all in it. It started out with just Judie and I and we were entertaining people and every other second she went from being my best friend to my worst enemy. Eventually I snuck away from her to go hang out with Jen, but Justin caught me and got really upset and crushed glass into his hand and it fell on my hands. After we got cleaned up he came back and was hanging out with Jen and I like it was no big deal. Weird.

I just got denied for a loan AGAIN. h8 lyfe.
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I've just been so aggravated with him since like noon. Raar. Raaaaaar. I guess Sunday isn't a very good day for Riana and Justin! ^^;;;;;

Mrehh... I tired. Work tomorrow. Mreh... I might be asleepie by the time he gets here and if I am he better cuddle me or I will be grrrr. >:|

I wonder if he really really really really really really does love me. I hope so. There's a lot of rebuilding going on right now, but I wish he'd not do stupid things to unstick the glue while it's still drying. *sigh*
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I have decided... that no matter what color my hair is, it does, and will ALWAYS look horrible puffy, and beautiful pin-straight. I shall be steaming my hair for the rest of my life. :|
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Okay, so a while back it was really late at night/early in the morning and I was flipping through the TV channels looking for something to watch. Eventually, I realized there was absolutely nothing worth watching on so I decided to watch a church show to try to get a few laughs. It was the PROPHET PETER POPOFF informercial. It was-- halarious to say the least.

Anyway, he was giving away "FREE MIRACLE SPRING WATER" so I was like "what the fuck~" and as a gag, I called up and gave my name/address so I could get me sum of dat shit. It was sent to me a few weeks later, with an automated letter, and I laughed and laughed and played with the water and it was fun and happy and gay. He wanted me to send him 7.00$-- I didn't.

Today, I got quite a gem. It was ANOTHER letter from my good friend Peter Popoff! A five page letter at that. In this one he says that I REAP WHAT I SOW, and that I should sow a gift of 15.00$ if I want all my financial troubles to go away. I performed a dramatic reading of the letter to my boyfriend, and we both got a few laughs-- then I opened the second part of the letter and to my great surprise and unsurpassed glee I found enclosed: THE HAND OF GOD! Yes! The HAND OF GOD has blessed my household, and Peter Popoff says that if I write my needs on the HAND OF GOD after I annoint my hands with the oil he also sent, and send it along with my 15.00$ "gift" then God will bless me!

This is what Justin and I had to say to that: THE HAND OF GOD SAYS... ((its sort of big, so 56k users beware))

So much love to Peter Popoff for sending me things that amuse me greatly, especially after such a tense and stressful day. It's also extra special that whenever he sends me something it makes my hands feel tingly. I wonder what he puts on that shit. My friend and I decided that the "Miracle Spring Water" he was giving away just HAD to be Everclear because there was no other way he could get people to believe this shit.

Riana Giammarco, signing off~

Feeling: amused amused

1 leaf fell * Cool Crisp Air
What the fuck did I do wrong this time? I swear, every time that I think I'm actually doing something RIGHT for ONCE in my life it turns out that I'm just doing everything horribly wrong. I don't fucking get it.

Dad and Jen want both Justin and I at the house tomorrow between 12:00 and 1:00 because they want to 'talk'-- but I smell a confrontation only because of the way that Jen was talking to me on the phone when I called her back today on the way home from lunch. I was like "Why do I feel like I'm in trouble?" and she was like "Eh."

What the fuck? I quit. I seriously just... quit at life. I can't make anyone happy, can I?


Feeling: pissed off pissed off

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